Category / empathy

by Nathan Coumbe

Different People See Things Differently

I’m a native of Mississippi, but I traveled to California numerous times as a teenager. Having been born and raised in the Deep South, I’d grown up saying “Yes, sir!” or “No, ma’am!” my entire life. 

(For those of you not of the Deep South, “ma’am” is a contraction of the word “madam.” You know how us Southern folk like to throw a little twang into our speech). 

In our culture, it is considered polite to use these phrases, and the epitome of rudeness should you not. 

Then I traveled to California…

You’re Being Rude

On numerous occasions, people laughed at me for saying it. A friend of mine asked, “Is that something you just say in the South?” 

I replied, “Yes, we use ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ whenever we speak to our elders. Or those we consider to be in positions of authority.”

“Well,” she replied, “when you say it, it sounds like you’re being sarcastic…like you’re mocking my parents.” 

I was completely floored. It never occurred to me that I might be coming off as rude. On the contrary, I thought I was speaking with the utmost respect by using “sir” and “ma’am”. 

Why Did I Tell You That Story?

It’s quite simple: different people see things differently. 

If you travel to Spain, you are likely to be kissed on both cheeks as a form of greeting (at least before COVID-19). In the United States, our “bubbles” are too big for something like that. We’d consider that a severe violation of our personal space. 

In some countries, it’s considered incredibly rude to “clean your plate.” Why? Because the cook will think you didn’t get enough to eat. 

It seems bizarre, right? That’s because you see things differently. 

Consider these differences when interacting with different people. Especially when traveling to different places. Or when in close contact with people of different cultures. 

We All Have a Different Noise In Our Heads

Different people see things differently. Because of this, they interpret things differently. What may seem like an empathic gesture to one person might come across as uncaring by another. 

An advertisement might be funny and persuasive to one prospect and bawdy and offensive to another. 

You might create a work of art that one person ridicules unmercifully and another describes as “a masterpiece.”

When serving or communicating with different people, think whether or not your gesture will be well-received by the other person.

If not, change gestures or tactics. 

You could easily write it off. “That person is just being difficult and unreasonable.” Occasionally, that might be so. 

But you can’t do anything about that. All you can control is what you do.

And what you can do is treat different people differently.

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by Nathan Coumbe

What Happens When We Don’t Think Win-Win?

Until we can believe that there is enough to go around, that each of us has the possibility to win alongside others, we cannot live effectively in an interdependent world.

Instead, we will see the world through the paradigm of scarcity. Everything becomes a competition rather than a chance for cooperation and mutual benefit.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Empathic Learning

The 5th habit Dr. Covey writes about in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is all about empathic listening: “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Empathic listening is putting aside our own narratives, judgements, assumptions, and listening from the other person’s point of reference. When we do this, we become students learning something new from another point of view.

For some reason this morning, I was thinking about my time in college studying my favorite subjects in history, subjects I had been studying since I was a small child. Sad to say, I remember listening to lectures and discussions with my professors from my own frame of reference: “I already learned all about that. Let me tell you what I already know about this subject to impress you.” 

I was the guy who would ask “deep, insightful questions,” when in reality, I was simply asking questions that showed my knowledge of the subject.

How vain, immature, and dumb I was! Had I only been listening––not from my own frame of reference, from the mindset of what I already knew––and instead adopted that wide-eyed curiosity of a child, I could have learned and retained so much more than I did. I would have been able to see the same ideas and subjects in a new light or with new perspectives. 

Instead, I listened to validate what I already thought I knew.

Empathic listening doesn’t just apply to difficult or emotional conversations with relationships in your life. It also must be employed in any learning environment to get as much out of it as possible.

by Nathan Coumbe

If you build it, they (probably) won’t come.

The key in any endeavor from which you hope to profit, whether it’s creating a new product, learning a new skill, or starting a new service, is to first identify whether other people want what you are selling.

Contrary to the message in “Field of Dreams” (sorry, Kevin Costner), if you build or create something without first determining whether or not people want it, you probably won’t have anyone knocking down your door to get it.

Learning to be the best Fortran coding expert in the world is useless in today’s workplace because no one uses that coding language anymore. And don’t get upset if you spend 4 years learning puppetry only to find no one wants to pay you for it.

To make a living, you must serve other people. To serve other other people, you must find what people need.

You must determine what problems other people have and how you can solve them. Perhaps the need is to be entertained (in which case learning puppetry might actually be profitable for you, if you can find a way to market it). Perhaps the problem is a lack of clean water to drink.

Regardless of what you do, the key is to first identify what others want, then create something that serves that purpose. The customer must come first if you desire to profit.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Callous and indifferent

“A society that is callous and indifferent to the weak and the vulnerable destroys itself. A society that betrays its elders—even if those elders have been indifferent and callous themselves—betrays itself.”

–Ryan Holiday

Selfishness wins the day for the individual in the short run; it always comes back to haunt the individual in the long run.

Think of others, not yourself, your desires, or your wants, especially in times of danger or crisis.

The beaches can wait; you can cut your own hair; you can socialize with your church members online during the service.

It’s not about you.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Service to others, no matter the times.

Regardless of quarantines, social distancing, and other methods of protecting ourselves physically, we can still find ways to serve others.

Many of us will be mowing our lawns today. How difficult would it be to push the lawnmower over one yard and take care of your neighbor’s?

Perhaps you still have a job, but a friend of yours does not. Order groceries and have them delivered to her door (it’s even more fun if you keep it anonymous).

Cook a casserole for your mother, wrap it up, and leave it on the front porch.

Keep yourself and others safe, but still find ways to contribute to others.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Verify, don’t trust.

Perhaps it is because of my history education background, but I have a pet peeve about verifying information.

Human beings love stories: we have been telling stories ever since we could draw, write, or communicate with the most basic sounds. It is part of human nature. Because we like stories so much, we also love to embellish, hyperbolize, and, frankly, make stuff up.

In times of crisis, the last point is particularly common. There is a lot of misinformation out there: cures have already been created; vaccines are readily available; drinking liquid silver and bleach will keep you from catching the notorious coronavirus that causes COVID-19; mutations are occuring; martial law is being enacted.

Humans like to tell stories, and even when it is unpleasant, humans like to have their emotions stimulated. People make up stories to trigger these emotional responses. You must be aware of this.

This is not new.

For as long as we have been telling stories, writing articles, and now, using social media, people have been sensationalizing things simply to be heard. People crave attention; they desire to be heard. Some people will do anything to make that happen.

This habit of making things up, of telling half-truths, of seeking attention from the public – it isn’t new. The difference now is scale: more people than ever before, 2 billion in fact, have a voice; not all of them use that voice for good.

You must be vigilant, and check your sources. You must also resist the urge to share every single social media post you see, especially if you haven’t verified the information you are reposting. It will cause fear, panic, and anger. This situation is bad enough as it is, and people are already feeling dread.

Why make it worse?

You are lucky to live in world now where you have a voice; 100 years ago, you would not be so blessed.

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

–Uncle Ben from Spider-Man

You have a voice: please use it responsibly.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Leadership as an experiment

The only way to become a leader, or to improve as a leader if you already are, is to treat everything like one giant science experiment.

Start with a hypothesis: “If I do/try/encourage _____, then ______ will happen/change/get better.”

What are you positing? What are you already presuming? Start with an observation you believe to be true.

Here’s an example:

“My employees feel disconnected from the company’s mission.”(Observation)

“If I meet regularly with them one-on-one to discuss what they believe is most important, then they will feel involved, supported, and I might get some really good ideas about how we can improve things around here.”(Hypothesis and potential solution)

At this point the experiment begins. Set parameters: what do “regular meetings” look like? What sort of questions will I ask? Am I prepared to listen empathically, to really understand how they feel and what they think matters?

You’ll gather data and attempt to put the ideas into practice (another experiment, perhaps). Test the ideas; observe what happens; use the information gathered to make changes as needed; repeat the experiment.

Think like a scientist.

If you think like a scientist, you don’t simply run the experiment and assume that it works. A scientist doesn’t hypothesize something, put on a blindfold, call the experiment a success, and move on to the next idea. The scientist tests, observes, measures, and solicits feedback. When you get that data, it will show either progress or regression – support for your idea or arguments against it. Use that data to adjust your hypothesis and experiment again, until it either works or becomes obvious that your hypothesis was wrong.

You are going to be wrong. Often.

There is only one way to avoid being wrong: don’t try to become a better leader. If you are willing to become a better leader, you must be willing to be wrong. Since you know you are going to be wrong, you need to become comfortable with honesty and transparency.

“This idea that I had, this new way of doing things, it didn’t work. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

Humility and Trust

A leader must be humble and emotionally mature enough to admit errors and missteps. If you attempt to hide your failure, if you put the blame on anyone or anything other than yourself, if you pretend it all worked out when it’s obvious it didn’t, you will lose the trust and respect of those who serve under you. It will be very hard to get that back.

Think like a scientist. Test, observe, measure, and get feedback on your ideas. Experiment.

Most importantly, don’t ignore the data, and apologize when you’re wrong.

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by Nathan Coumbe

The extra mile might be too far

I doubt you have kept track of how many times people have told you to “go the extra mile.” In the spirit of influence, I’ll ask you anyway:

How many times have you been told to “go the extra mile?” Perhaps you work in customer service or sales; perhaps you’re married and want to do more for your spouse; maybe you really want to please your boss on the next project.

Here’s the thing: a mile is really long when you start trying to walk or run it. It’s tough, so tough most people would rather not make the attempt than start down the mile and stop before completion.

There is really good news:

YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO THE EXTRA MILE.

Hear me clearly on this: I am not saying that you should be lazy or merely do your job. What I mean is the smallest extra step in however you serve others can have dramatic results.

Here is an example:

A customer approached a clerk in the grocery store asking where a particular item was located. What did the clerk do? He might have pointed to the correct aisle and gone back to stocking his shelf. But instead, the clerk said, “Follow me!” and led the same customer two aisles over and pointed out the exact item in question.

The clerk didn’t go the extra mile. At most, he went a few extra yards. He served that customer in the smallest of ways; instead of letting the customer wander for a minute more or spend time on the correct aisle attempting to locate the item amongst dozens of others, he led the customer right to it. He saved, at most, a couple of minutes of time and a modicum of fustration for the customer. Not huge in the grand scheme of things, at least not for the clerk. But it made a lasting impact on the customer.

More Human

The clerk did one important, life-changing thing: he acted more human than was absolutely necessary. That small step impacted the customer more than the clerk would ever know; that small act told the customer, “I see a really easy way to serve you in the manner I know how. Here, let me help you.” A small, human kindness. He made a connection; he created a small but memorable experience.

It wasn’t difficult, but it was magical.

So don’t worry about the extra mile. Go the extra yard. Still too far?

Just take one extra step.

Start small. Be more human.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Everything is marketing. Everything is sales.

That’s the premise.

Even on the smallest scale, we are marketing and selling. It might not be products but rather ideas or ways of thinking and being. 

If I have an idea about how people can behave or change to improve their lives, to become the best possible versions of themselves, it does no one any good unless I can persuade them to adopt the ideas. That means that I have to sell to them.

“Making is insufficient. You haven’t made an impact until you’ve changed someone.”

– Seth Godin, This Is Marketing, p. xiv

Marketing and sales are both about influence; each of us must influence others to create change (we will get into the ethics of influence in another post).

Leadership in the modern age is sales and marketing. During the Industrial Age, a leader told an employee what to do and that person either complied or left. In the Knowledge Age, a leader must influence those who follow. You can still attempt tell people what to do, but it rarely leads to enrollment and willing compliance, without which high-quality work does not occur. However, influencing them – by empathizing and understanding what they want, feel, need, and believe, and then having the courage to let them know your ideas for progress – this sort of leadership brings others willingly to your way of thinking. (It also potentially creates better ideas than either party came up with on their own.)

Every career requires sales and marketing. A psychologist is both a salesperson and a marketer. If they do not market, they do not get patients. She cannot rely on her credentials to bring people into the office.

A teacher is marketing each time she sets foot in the classroom. If she cannot get her students to come with her, if she cannot get them excited and willing to go on the learning journey, her knowledge and expertise are useless. She must influence them.

If you coach people on how to level up their careers, personal lives, or get past negative scripting from earlier life periods, you must sell them on the ideas you present. If you fail to do so, or do it poorly, you have failed to create change or the desire for it in the other person. 

Regardless of whom you seek to influence, you must always begin by understanding them, their points of view, their wants, desires, worries, fears, and problems. That is always the first step to influence, and influence is marketing.

We all must influence others to make change happen, and if everything is marketing and everything is sales, you might as well learn to do it well.

Start with this book here.

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*Some links in my posts are affiliate links, which means I make a small commission on any purchases.