Category / effectiveness

by Nathan Coumbe

Empathic Learning

The 5th habit Dr. Covey writes about in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is all about empathic listening: “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Empathic listening is putting aside our own narratives, judgements, assumptions, and listening from the other person’s point of reference. When we do this, we become students learning something new from another point of view.

For some reason this morning, I was thinking about my time in college studying my favorite subjects in history, subjects I had been studying since I was a small child. Sad to say, I remember listening to lectures and discussions with my professors from my own frame of reference: “I already learned all about that. Let me tell you what I already know about this subject to impress you.” 

I was the guy who would ask “deep, insightful questions,” when in reality, I was simply asking questions that showed my knowledge of the subject.

How vain, immature, and dumb I was! Had I only been listening––not from my own frame of reference, from the mindset of what I already knew––and instead adopted that wide-eyed curiosity of a child, I could have learned and retained so much more than I did. I would have been able to see the same ideas and subjects in a new light or with new perspectives. 

Instead, I listened to validate what I already thought I knew.

Empathic listening doesn’t just apply to difficult or emotional conversations with relationships in your life. It also must be employed in any learning environment to get as much out of it as possible.

by Nathan Coumbe

Forget yourself

“Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music–the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.

–Henry Miller

Life is better when you live it for things outside yourself.

by Nathan Coumbe

Why criticism doesn’t work

Criticism sucks. At times, it’s necessary for growth, but it still sucks.

How did you react the last time someone criticized you? I’m guessing you retreated inward, or perhaps you did the opposite and lashed out to defend your actions.

People don’t like to be wrong, and they like it even less when their wrongdoing is pointed out. Criticism only creates a need in others to justify their actions.

Really, when someone does something wrong, the only useful thing to do for either party involved is to respond proactively. On the lowest level of proactivity, this means living by Jesus’ principle of “turning the other cheek.” Simply choose not to react–easier said than done, I know, but it can be developed with practice like any skill or muscle. At a higher level, this might mean never taking offense to the wrongdoing in the first place. This idea is the epitome of stoicism.

As you go about your day, assume that each person you meet is angry, negative, reactive, and will blame everyone and everything he meets for his circumstances…except himself. If you do this, you’ll soon realize that criticizing or reacting to him does nothing except, perhaps, to make you feel better.

It won’t solve the problem; he won’t learn the lesson you want to pound into him; and the only growth anyone makes will be that of resentment and ill will between each party.

Don’t be a critic; be a model of what you wish others to do. It’s the only way to create the change you seek. Learn how right here.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Motivation, management, and bathing

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily.”

–Zig Ziglar

You cannot read a book one time and consider yourself done with it. You have not learned it all or digested enough of it to make any difference in your life. The same is true of motivation – one speech will change your life, but only for a day. You must revisit and remind yourself daily of the message that so inspired you. You must practice it daily. 

I’ve found the same idea to be true of working with people in any sort of leadership or supervisory position. Managing people is also like bathing: you have to do it every day. 

I found myself in previous roles aggravated by having to remind people of the same tasks, duties, and responsibilities. In my mind, if I delegated something to someone, that should have been the end of it. It should have been taken care of from that point forward. 

It rarely was. I found myself constantly having to remind teammates to do this or remember that. This frustration had nothing to do with anyone’s  incompetence or irresponsibility and everything to do with my mindset. Managing people requires setting a goal and then helping your people along the path to that goal. They will not achieve it on their own with all the competing priorities set before them during a typical workday. It must be made fresh in their minds daily. Don’t let the need to remind your people daily of what you expect from them cause irritation or frustration on your part. It’s part of the job. 

The lesson for today is to bathe every day, motivate every day, and manage every day. 

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by Nathan Coumbe

You are self-employed

All of us, if we do work that causes us to get paid, are self-employed. It doesn’t matter who signs our paychecks–we work for ourselves.

What does it mean to be self-employed? It means you are your own boss. It means your income is based on your work.

If a freelancer or entrepreneur doesn’t show up for work–if they don’t create enough value for another person–they don’t get paid. This is obvious when you don’t work for a big company with payroll every two weeks.

What about the salesperson working on commission who does have someone who signs her paycheck? If she doesn’t contact the customer, provide value to that customer, and make a sale, she doesn’t get paid.

What about you? The hourly worker or the salaried cubicle-dweller (perhaps virtual cubicle-dweller is more accurate right now)? What happens if you don’t show up for work?

You don’t get paid.

What happens if you fail to create value for the company that employs you?

You get fired.

As soon as you realize you are self-employed–as soon as you realize that you are responsible for the value you create and the income you generate, regardless of how you get paid–you will secure your future.

Even if you are laid off, the attitude of self-employment will cause you to stand out from droves of people who want to know what a company can do for them rather than what they can do for their potential employer.

Adopt the self-employed mindset and you’ll rarely have to worry where your next paycheck comes from.

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by Nathan Coumbe

If you build it, they (probably) won’t come.

The key in any endeavor from which you hope to profit, whether it’s creating a new product, learning a new skill, or starting a new service, is to first identify whether other people want what you are selling.

Contrary to the message in “Field of Dreams” (sorry, Kevin Costner), if you build or create something without first determining whether or not people want it, you probably won’t have anyone knocking down your door to get it.

Learning to be the best Fortran coding expert in the world is useless in today’s workplace because no one uses that coding language anymore. And don’t get upset if you spend 4 years learning puppetry only to find no one wants to pay you for it.

To make a living, you must serve other people. To serve other other people, you must find what people need.

You must determine what problems other people have and how you can solve them. Perhaps the need is to be entertained (in which case learning puppetry might actually be profitable for you, if you can find a way to market it). Perhaps the problem is a lack of clean water to drink.

Regardless of what you do, the key is to first identify what others want, then create something that serves that purpose. The customer must come first if you desire to profit.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Change is a skill

That book you read, the TED talk you listened to, or that seminar you attended–it’s only half of the equation. The materials you absorb will not, in themselves, change you for the better (if that is what you seek).

Change is a skill, which means it is something that must be practiced consistently until whatever you seek to change becomes a habit.

The materials available to you are great: in my opinion, they are vital to get you out of whatever rut you currently find yourself. We all need another voice, a voice we trust, reminding us of what better is.

But it’s up to you to change. It requires taking action.

What will you do to change today?

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by Nathan Coumbe

Are you as effective as you could be?

Here’s a story:

A man is walking through the woods alone when he comes upon a lumberjack hard at work. The lumberjack is sawing with all his might through a very large tree, and the man can tell this worker is exhausted.

“How long have you been at this one tree?” the man asks.

The lumberjack replies, “About 4 hours now, and I’m exhausted.”

The man watches for a few more moments and realizes the saw has become rather dull from overuse.

“Why don’t you stop to sharpen your saw?” the man suggests to the lumberjack. “You will probably finish in half the time it is taking you.”

“I can’t stop,” replies the lumberjack. “I’m too busy sawing.”

This story is where Dr. Stephen R. Covey got the name of his seventh habit “Sharpen the Saw®” in his monumental work, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

In essence, most of us feel we are too busy to stop working long enough to revitalize ourselves in ways that would make us even more productive when we returned to work. We think the only solution to more results is more work. This, of course, leads to exhaustion, stagnation, and burn-out.

“The human organism needs an ample supply of good building material to repair the effects of daily wear and tear.”

–Indra Devi

What are you doing each day to supply that good building material you need? There are four dimensions to life–physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual–and each ones needs its own raw materials.

For the body: eat right and be active! This does not mean strict diets or multi-hour workouts 7 days a week. It means sensible eating and regular, quality movement throughout the day. I personally recommend Precision Nutrition for their quality (and free) resources, as well as their more expensive coaching options. Here is an article they released today on the benefits of small amounts of movement throughout the day rather than big workouts and nothing else each day.

For the mind: read. This is the simplest, smallest thing you can do each day to rejuvenate your mind and unleash your creativity. If you read only 10 minutes a day at an average speed, you will read approximately one book each month. 12 books a year will change who you are as a person. Start with this reading list here.

For the heart (social/emotional): read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. No other book will help you improve your relationships with others and develop the self-awareness needed to effectively conduct yourself in the world than this one.

For the soul: you don’t have to be religious or pick up a copy of religious text to rejuvenate your spirit, but you must invest in your soul somehow. Read inspirational literature or biographies by great thinkers and leaders who inspire you. Go for a walk outside (social distancing, of course) without music or podcasts or social media, and listen to the sounds around you. Let your mind wander when you do it.

Give yourself the right stuff today to keep your saw sharp.

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*Note: I do occasionally use affiliate links on this blog, which results in a small commission for me if you purchase something. However, I only recommend products in which I truly believe.

by Nathan Coumbe

Encourage ignorance (and overcome it)

When you are serving other people (i.e., working), there will be times when you don’t have the answer to the problem in front of you.

Perhaps you work in customer service, a retail store, or banking. Someone is going to ask you a question for which you do not have an answer. What do you do?

If you went to a typical school or were processed through typical corporate training, you might have a few possible answers immediately:

  1. Tell the customer you don’t know, you’re sorry, and you can’t help them.
  2. Immediately go to your boss and ask her to give you the answer or take over the situation entirely (unless your boss is a crazy control freak and wants her finger on the pulse of every step you take, she won’t appreciate this).
  3. Try to figure it out yourself by moving through all the formulas, procedures, and company policies with which you were conditioned (definitely not the worst option, but it’s limited in its effectiveness).

Do you see a better option?

The better option

You are surrounded by people that know more than you, have more experience than you, and do the same type of work as you, either in person or resources on the internet. Ask them for help, but take it one step further.

Learn alongside the person you are trying to help. It’s easy and has two benefits: 1) the person in need gets the help he or she requires, and 2) you learn something new that will be in your toolbelt for next time.

Here’s your answer when you don’t know:

“I don’t know the solution to this problem, but I guarantee we can find one. Let’s find out what it is together!“

The flaw in our system

Most of our education and training conditions us to work by ourselves, independently from everyone else, under an authority figure who has all the answers.

“Only raise your hand if you know the answer” becomes “never acknowledge ignorance in front of customers!” That will only discredit you. They will lose faith in you. You will be humiliated.

Actually, no – by being humble enough to admit your ignorance, they will respect you for not lying to them, not giving them bad information that will fail or hurt them in practice, and not wasting their time.

The real world is full of collaboration, synergy, and needs us to use all available resources to find the answers. The real world is an open-book group test.

It is not full of, nor should we encourage, independent work with no outside help, an authority figure with all the answers, or a lack of information that you are not allowed to remedy by looking up the answer.

If the real world isn’t like that, why are we training people to operate that way?

Be bold, be brave, and admit your ignorance. Then go find the answer using every person and resource at your disposal.

“I don’t know – let’s find out together.”

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by Nathan Coumbe

Praise the good. Ignore the rest.

If you want to create lasting influence with others, or change for the better, there is really only one way to do it:

Praise the good.

“So long as a person did anything good, he would praise him and use him for the service in which he excelled, but to his other conduct he paid no attention…”

–Cassius Dio writing about Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius

When Emperor Marcus Aurelius wanted to influence other people, to reinforce the behaviors and actions he wanted to see, he would praise the person who did the good deed. This is actually quite Pavlovian in its execution.

Conditioning good behavior

Remember Pavlov from your introductory psychology class? Pavlov would ring a bell before he gave his dogs food; the food caused the dogs to salivate. Eventually the dogs associated the ringing bell with food and would salivate when the bell rang, even when Pavlov did not give them food.

Marcus essentially did the same thing with those in his service: whenever they did something of which he approved, he praised it. This constant reinforcement of the good conditioned his people to do more good work in the future. But there is a second part to Dio’s observation above…

Pay no attention to the rest

Not only did Marcus praise the good, he ignored the behavior and actions he didn’t want to continue. Why did he do this?

There is a wonderful little book who’s first chapter discusses this at length:

“Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.”

–Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

How often have you had a positive outcome after you criticized someone for doing something? I would hazard a guess at 10%.

When you criticize someone, they get angry, defensive, and emotionally illogical. He or she will justify the action rather than accept that it was wrong. It’s a natural human response. We don’t like to be wrong, and we definitely don’t like other people pointing out our poor behavior.

Therefore, the only way to get the results you want from other people is to praise them when you seeing them do the good deeds you want done. Criticizing the bad doesn’t work: it only causes resentment.

“We are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures brisling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

–Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

(Of course, there are some behaviors that are dangerous, illegal, immoral, or that might harm others; these behaviors must be stopped immediately. Those sorts of behaviors are not the topic of discussion here.)

Be a model

How do let others know what good actions or behaviors are? You must be a model. Do the things you want others to do; be the kind of person you want others to be.

Seth Godin likes to say, “people like us do things like this.” Invite people to be “people like us,” whoever you think “people like us” should be. Then, do the things you want others to do, and when they follow, praise them for it!

Model good behavior. Praise others when they perform good work. Ignore the rest.

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