Tag / empathy

by Nathan Coumbe

Different People See Things Differently

I’m a native of Mississippi, but I traveled to California numerous times as a teenager. Having been born and raised in the Deep South, I’d grown up saying “Yes, sir!” or “No, ma’am!” my entire life. 

(For those of you not of the Deep South, “ma’am” is a contraction of the word “madam.” You know how us Southern folk like to throw a little twang into our speech). 

In our culture, it is considered polite to use these phrases, and the epitome of rudeness should you not. 

Then I traveled to California…

You’re Being Rude

On numerous occasions, people laughed at me for saying it. A friend of mine asked, “Is that something you just say in the South?” 

I replied, “Yes, we use ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ whenever we speak to our elders. Or those we consider to be in positions of authority.”

“Well,” she replied, “when you say it, it sounds like you’re being sarcastic…like you’re mocking my parents.” 

I was completely floored. It never occurred to me that I might be coming off as rude. On the contrary, I thought I was speaking with the utmost respect by using “sir” and “ma’am”. 

Why Did I Tell You That Story?

It’s quite simple: different people see things differently. 

If you travel to Spain, you are likely to be kissed on both cheeks as a form of greeting (at least before COVID-19). In the United States, our “bubbles” are too big for something like that. We’d consider that a severe violation of our personal space. 

In some countries, it’s considered incredibly rude to “clean your plate.” Why? Because the cook will think you didn’t get enough to eat. 

It seems bizarre, right? That’s because you see things differently. 

Consider these differences when interacting with different people. Especially when traveling to different places. Or when in close contact with people of different cultures. 

We All Have a Different Noise In Our Heads

Different people see things differently. Because of this, they interpret things differently. What may seem like an empathic gesture to one person might come across as uncaring by another. 

An advertisement might be funny and persuasive to one prospect and bawdy and offensive to another. 

You might create a work of art that one person ridicules unmercifully and another describes as “a masterpiece.”

When serving or communicating with different people, think whether or not your gesture will be well-received by the other person.

If not, change gestures or tactics. 

You could easily write it off. “That person is just being difficult and unreasonable.” Occasionally, that might be so. 

But you can’t do anything about that. All you can control is what you do.

And what you can do is treat different people differently.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Empathic Learning

The 5th habit Dr. Covey writes about in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is all about empathic listening: “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Empathic listening is putting aside our own narratives, judgements, assumptions, and listening from the other person’s point of reference. When we do this, we become students learning something new from another point of view.

For some reason this morning, I was thinking about my time in college studying my favorite subjects in history, subjects I had been studying since I was a small child. Sad to say, I remember listening to lectures and discussions with my professors from my own frame of reference: “I already learned all about that. Let me tell you what I already know about this subject to impress you.” 

I was the guy who would ask “deep, insightful questions,” when in reality, I was simply asking questions that showed my knowledge of the subject.

How vain, immature, and dumb I was! Had I only been listening––not from my own frame of reference, from the mindset of what I already knew––and instead adopted that wide-eyed curiosity of a child, I could have learned and retained so much more than I did. I would have been able to see the same ideas and subjects in a new light or with new perspectives. 

Instead, I listened to validate what I already thought I knew.

Empathic listening doesn’t just apply to difficult or emotional conversations with relationships in your life. It also must be employed in any learning environment to get as much out of it as possible.

by Nathan Coumbe

Callous and indifferent

“A society that is callous and indifferent to the weak and the vulnerable destroys itself. A society that betrays its elders—even if those elders have been indifferent and callous themselves—betrays itself.”

–Ryan Holiday

Selfishness wins the day for the individual in the short run; it always comes back to haunt the individual in the long run.

Think of others, not yourself, your desires, or your wants, especially in times of danger or crisis.

The beaches can wait; you can cut your own hair; you can socialize with your church members online during the service.

It’s not about you.

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by Nathan Coumbe

The extra mile might be too far

I doubt you have kept track of how many times people have told you to “go the extra mile.” In the spirit of influence, I’ll ask you anyway:

How many times have you been told to “go the extra mile?” Perhaps you work in customer service or sales; perhaps you’re married and want to do more for your spouse; maybe you really want to please your boss on the next project.

Here’s the thing: a mile is really long when you start trying to walk or run it. It’s tough, so tough most people would rather not make the attempt than start down the mile and stop before completion.

There is really good news:

YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO THE EXTRA MILE.

Hear me clearly on this: I am not saying that you should be lazy or merely do your job. What I mean is the smallest extra step in however you serve others can have dramatic results.

Here is an example:

A customer approached a clerk in the grocery store asking where a particular item was located. What did the clerk do? He might have pointed to the correct aisle and gone back to stocking his shelf. But instead, the clerk said, “Follow me!” and led the same customer two aisles over and pointed out the exact item in question.

The clerk didn’t go the extra mile. At most, he went a few extra yards. He served that customer in the smallest of ways; instead of letting the customer wander for a minute more or spend time on the correct aisle attempting to locate the item amongst dozens of others, he led the customer right to it. He saved, at most, a couple of minutes of time and a modicum of fustration for the customer. Not huge in the grand scheme of things, at least not for the clerk. But it made a lasting impact on the customer.

More Human

The clerk did one important, life-changing thing: he acted more human than was absolutely necessary. That small step impacted the customer more than the clerk would ever know; that small act told the customer, “I see a really easy way to serve you in the manner I know how. Here, let me help you.” A small, human kindness. He made a connection; he created a small but memorable experience.

It wasn’t difficult, but it was magical.

So don’t worry about the extra mile. Go the extra yard. Still too far?

Just take one extra step.

Start small. Be more human.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Everything is marketing. Everything is sales.

That’s the premise.

Even on the smallest scale, we are marketing and selling. It might not be products but rather ideas or ways of thinking and being. 

If I have an idea about how people can behave or change to improve their lives, to become the best possible versions of themselves, it does no one any good unless I can persuade them to adopt the ideas. That means that I have to sell to them.

“Making is insufficient. You haven’t made an impact until you’ve changed someone.”

– Seth Godin, This Is Marketing, p. xiv

Marketing and sales are both about influence; each of us must influence others to create change (we will get into the ethics of influence in another post).

Leadership in the modern age is sales and marketing. During the Industrial Age, a leader told an employee what to do and that person either complied or left. In the Knowledge Age, a leader must influence those who follow. You can still attempt tell people what to do, but it rarely leads to enrollment and willing compliance, without which high-quality work does not occur. However, influencing them – by empathizing and understanding what they want, feel, need, and believe, and then having the courage to let them know your ideas for progress – this sort of leadership brings others willingly to your way of thinking. (It also potentially creates better ideas than either party came up with on their own.)

Every career requires sales and marketing. A psychologist is both a salesperson and a marketer. If they do not market, they do not get patients. She cannot rely on her credentials to bring people into the office.

A teacher is marketing each time she sets foot in the classroom. If she cannot get her students to come with her, if she cannot get them excited and willing to go on the learning journey, her knowledge and expertise are useless. She must influence them.

If you coach people on how to level up their careers, personal lives, or get past negative scripting from earlier life periods, you must sell them on the ideas you present. If you fail to do so, or do it poorly, you have failed to create change or the desire for it in the other person. 

Regardless of whom you seek to influence, you must always begin by understanding them, their points of view, their wants, desires, worries, fears, and problems. That is always the first step to influence, and influence is marketing.

We all must influence others to make change happen, and if everything is marketing and everything is sales, you might as well learn to do it well.

Start with this book here.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Nice guys finish

The saying goes, “nice guys finish last.” I say we drop the final word.

Nice guys finish; that’s what is truly important.

How can the idea of being kind to others, of being understanding and empathic, lead you astray?

You might be taken advantage of; you may not gain any immediate wins or notoriety by being the nice guy. But in the long term, you will come out ahead. You will finish.

You might be last, but you still finished the race.

Those who are overly aggressive, pushy, disagreeable, who stomp all over other people will get ahead of you. They are playing a short game. They’ll win the battle. But you aren’t a tactician: you are a strategist.

The strategist, the nice guy, takes the long view: he sacrifice the immediate benefits of imposing his will on someone else. He does not seek to win at all costs. He stays true to his principles and values, giving respect and dignity to others. The results of such an approach are increased trust and understanding between two parties, rather than a win/lose or lose/win situation.

So yeah, nice guys may finish last. But they make it to the finish line. The same can’t always be said for mean guys.

by Nathan Coumbe

Empathy

“Until thy feet have trod the Road

Advise not wayside folk.”

–Rudyard Kipling

What is Kipling’s meaning? Should we not correct others when they do wrong, unless we ourselves have done the same wrong? I don’t think so.

I think Kipling is speaking of empathy, the skill of attempting to feel what someone else is feeling, of putting oneself in the shoes of another.

Most people react when they see someone acting in a way with which they disagree or do not understand. We see a parent fail to harshly correct a child for misbehaving, so we assume the parent is inept or irresponsible. A person resorts to drinking as a coping mechanism, so we call them a wastrel, a drunk, or a fool.

But what if you put yourself in place of the parent, or even the child? As the child, how would you prefer to be corrected? With harsh words and physical punishment, or through a one-on-one conversation used as a teaching moment? Would this not grow trust and improve the relationship? Perhaps the parent had a painful childhood she does not wish to repeat with her own offspring, so she chooses to react with restraint.

Look at the alcoholic, a type of person with which I have had more experience than I wish to remember. Perhaps he grew up in a violently abusive or neglectful household; perhaps he saw friends and innocents killed in a horrifying warzone. Yes, alcohol will not heal his wounds,nor is it a healthy way to cope. However, to judge and condemn without the same experiences of that person, or at least without empathizing with him, is an ineffective way to interact with the person. Empathy and understanding would go much further towards helping him to recover were he willing.

This is not to say that you should not try to help others find the right path, but how it is done can make all the difference.

Moreover, until you have put yourself in the place of another, how can you be sure that the other person is wayside and not yourself? Were you to empathize with them, you might come to find that your paradigm, your view of the world, is incomplete or inaccurate. We would all like to believe that we are objective and rational, but more often than not we fail at both.

Choose empathy before all else. You might then be in a position to influence others in positive ways. And if not, you have still become a better human for the attempt.

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