Tag / spouse

by Nathan Coumbe

“But why is no one listening to me?”

You are having an argument with your spouse, and she doesn’t understand your point of view, no matter how much you push it.

Your children won’t do anything that you ask them to do. They won’t engage or communicate with you; they shut down every time you try to talk to them.

You are writing blogs and posts, but no one is reading or responding to them.

You’ve created a product that will change lives, but no one is buying it.

Naturally, you ask the question:

“Why is no one listening to me?”

You feel you are doing everything right. You have the right ideas or the right argument; you know more than your children; this product is truly amazing and has revolutionized the way you see and do things. And yet, no one is listening. No one is engaging. No one is buying.

Why?

Because you aren’t listening to them.

The only way to get others to listen to you, to engage with you, to buy from you, is to listen to them and understand their points of view, their wants, and their needs.

If you bludgeon people over the head with your arguments and ideas, they won’t accept them; they don’t have the same ideas, the same noise inside their heads. They are telling themselves different stories. The key to being listened to, to making an impact, is to understand those other stories.

You don’t have to agree with them, but you do have to listen to and understand them. When people feel understand, when they feel heard, when they know that you see them and their side of things, they feel more open to hearing what you have to say.

“Seek first to understand, then be understood.”

–Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

No one is listening to you because you aren’t listening to them.

Your spouse won’t listen to your side of the argument because all you are thinking of is your side of the argument.

Your children won’t listen to your advice and guidance – even though you probably do know more and understand more than they do – because they don’t feel like you understand them, how they feel, or the narrative in their heads.

No one is buying your stuff because as awesome as it is, they don’t get how it will benefit them or how it will make them feel once they use it. Why? Because you didn’t take the time to understand what they want or how they want to feel.

Understand

To influence someone, you must open yourself to the possibility of being influenced by the other person. This means creating a feeling of understanding in the other person. This is not meant to be manipulative: you must genuinely want to understand the other person. Also, people can tell if you are simply trying to manipulate them rather than understand them.

Listen to what your spouse wants; listen to how your children feel; listen to the needs and frustrations of your customers.

Understanding must always come first; otherwise you’ll fail.

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by Nathan Coumbe

What would it take to replace you?

Think about your work and personal life for a moment.

What qualities and skills would your employer look for in a new hire were she attempting to replace you?

Be that person now.

What would your spouse, significant other, or children look for in a partner or role model if you weren’t around?

Be that person now.

Start.

Be the person others in your life want and need; you will become nearly impossible to replace.

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by Nathan Coumbe

We are all volunteers

Everyone you interact with on a daily basis is a volunteer in your life.

Don’t believe it? Try an experiment:

If you have children, a spouse, or any sort of significant other, order them around, withhold affection, neglect the small kindnesses and courtesies that make relationships so strong and fun.

If you do it long enough and often enough, they will quit.

(Please don’t actually try that experiment.)

The same is true in any organization: simply because someone is employed by another does not mean that person is not a volunteer. You would never neglect the needs and wants of a customer or disrespect her. Why not? Because a customer is a volunteer – she is choosing to do business with you, and that choice can be revoked at any time.

There seems to be some disconnect when money is involved – because the person is paid, she does not deserve the same level of care and dignity given to a customer. This could not be further from the truth.

The employee might be reliant on that money; she might need it for her survival, but she is still a volunteer.

Your friends and family members are volunteers; they are customers. They are choosing to do “business” with you, and at any time, that choice can be revoked. Your employees are volunteers; they just happen to be paid.

Treat everyone with whom you interact as a volunteer customer, and you will seldom be disappointed.

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