Tag / relationships

by Nathan Coumbe

What does coaching mean to you?

I heard the best description of what a coach does this week on Michael Hyatt’s podcast, “Lead to Win”:

“I love developing people and helping [them] to see the best potential in them and call it out. And that is what coaching is all about.”

That quote is from Michele Cushatt, Chief Coaching Officer at Michael Hyatt & Company. (You can check out the episode here.)

Her definition of coaching leapt out at me… I had to listen to it at least three times. 

Most of us have an image in our head of a coach as a cheerleader… Maybe it’s someone who tells you “great job” when you finish a task or make a little progress. 

Or maybe “coach” conjures images of someone putting you through drills or practices to help you develop a skill. 

Coaches can and should do those things. But that’s not the essence of what coaching is…

A great coach sees the potential in another person and calls it out! That’s the key. They bring forth what’s already inside someone else. 

They help someone become the best person they can be. The person they are destined to become.

Do you have someone in your life doing that for you? If not, can you find someone?

Or is there someone you know who’s got tons of potential but can’t see it? Or hasn’t developed it? 

Why can’t you take the role of coach and call it out to them?

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by Nathan Coumbe

Are personality tests preventing you from being yourself?

If you’re like most people in the United States, you’ve taken at least one personality assessment at some point in your life.

DiSC. Myers-Briggs. StrengthsFinder. Enneagram. There are too many to name, but I’ll bet you’ve taken at least one.

On the DiSC profile, I’m a CSI, with an extremely high C. That means I tend to be:

  • Analytical
  • Slow to make decisions
  • Precise & detail-oriented
  • A rigid rule-follower

And I can attest that all of those things are 100% true about me.

But because I’m so rigid, I tend to take everything that I learn as a rule that can’t be broken.

For example, when I get “career results” back about what I’m ideally suited for, I instantly assume those are the only jobs I can do. It’s how my personality works.

So when the field of marketing was nowhere to be seen in my “ideal” careers, I immediately wrote it off as something not worth looking into.

Even though I was fascinated by marketing…

Even though I wanted to learn how to do it ethically, with a service-oriented style…

Even though I could use it to help make the world a better place. To help other people start and grow successful businesses…

But I couldn’t! Because a personality test told me so.

Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?

Personality tests are great for:

  • Developing self-awareness
  • Understanding your natural tendencies
  • Learning about your strengths and weaknesses
  • Discovering how best to relate to other people

But they do not define who you are or what you can do.

If anything, they help you learn how you would do certain things.

So now, years later, I’m involved in marketing—doing it and teaching it to others on a regular basis. And I do it in an analytical, detail-oriented, service-to-others way.

Remember that personality tests are tools, nothing more. One of my mentors, Ashley Logsdon, put it this way:

“Never make the profile bigger than the person.”

They aren’t supposed to define what you do, but HOW you do them.

This is just one of the many conversations going on in the 48 Days Eagles Entrepreneur group during our Monday Mentor Calls.

If you want to get into the right network to help you level up your relationships and career, join us now!

Click this link to see what all you get when you become 48 Days Eagle.

by Nathan Coumbe

Different People See Things Differently

I’m a native of Mississippi, but I traveled to California numerous times as a teenager. Having been born and raised in the Deep South, I’d grown up saying “Yes, sir!” or “No, ma’am!” my entire life. 

(For those of you not of the Deep South, “ma’am” is a contraction of the word “madam.” You know how us Southern folk like to throw a little twang into our speech). 

In our culture, it is considered polite to use these phrases, and the epitome of rudeness should you not. 

Then I traveled to California…

You’re Being Rude

On numerous occasions, people laughed at me for saying it. A friend of mine asked, “Is that something you just say in the South?” 

I replied, “Yes, we use ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ whenever we speak to our elders. Or those we consider to be in positions of authority.”

“Well,” she replied, “when you say it, it sounds like you’re being sarcastic…like you’re mocking my parents.” 

I was completely floored. It never occurred to me that I might be coming off as rude. On the contrary, I thought I was speaking with the utmost respect by using “sir” and “ma’am”. 

Why Did I Tell You That Story?

It’s quite simple: different people see things differently. 

If you travel to Spain, you are likely to be kissed on both cheeks as a form of greeting (at least before COVID-19). In the United States, our “bubbles” are too big for something like that. We’d consider that a severe violation of our personal space. 

In some countries, it’s considered incredibly rude to “clean your plate.” Why? Because the cook will think you didn’t get enough to eat. 

It seems bizarre, right? That’s because you see things differently. 

Consider these differences when interacting with different people. Especially when traveling to different places. Or when in close contact with people of different cultures. 

We All Have a Different Noise In Our Heads

Different people see things differently. Because of this, they interpret things differently. What may seem like an empathic gesture to one person might come across as uncaring by another. 

An advertisement might be funny and persuasive to one prospect and bawdy and offensive to another. 

You might create a work of art that one person ridicules unmercifully and another describes as “a masterpiece.”

When serving or communicating with different people, think whether or not your gesture will be well-received by the other person.

If not, change gestures or tactics. 

You could easily write it off. “That person is just being difficult and unreasonable.” Occasionally, that might be so. 

But you can’t do anything about that. All you can control is what you do.

And what you can do is treat different people differently.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Leap of faith

Let’s be honest: leaping out into the unknown is terrifying. It is the unknown, after all.

But sometimes, to break the cycle, you just have to jump.

It always helps to have a solid foundation from which to start. Family, friends, finances, hope – they give you that foundation.

Build your relationships. Trust other people. Develop a healthy self-image.

Then jump.

by Nathan Coumbe

Networking is terrible, but there is a better way.

Networking – the idea of surrounding yourself with lots of people who might be able to open doors for you and help you get jobs – is a terrible practice.

It sucks.

The premise is flawed; it goes against every notion and every principle of decency and humanity. To effectively network, it seems one must adopt the mindset of, “What can this person do for me? How can she connect me with the HR department at [insert famous company]? What resources can she offer me so that I can get better (more marketable and attractive to potential employers)?”

Take, take, take, take. It’s a very common practice in Social Networking – some will say, “Use [pick your Social Media poison] to grow as many potentially helpful connections as possible so that maybe one of them can help you get a job at a certain company.”

The selfish focus, the mindset of “me,” is horrid. What is worse: it often backfires and alienates those you are attempting to use for your own selfish gains.

You think these “connections” can’t read right through your message? You’re wrong.

A new way to network

I propose a new way to network – go on your LinkedIn profile and start going down the list of connections. For each one, ask yourself this question: “Can I make a contribution to this person today, and if so, how?”

One important note: this requires a paradigm shift – a genuine change in your way of thinking (here’s a post about paradigms). You cannot adopt this posture while thinking in the back of your mind, “How can I contribute in a way that will get me something later?” You haven’t actually changed anything about the process that way.

If you really want to test this out, find someone in your list of connections who truly cannot “do” anything for you, in the sense of making a connection, giving a recommendation, or helping you get a job. When you find this person, ask yourself what contribution you can make: maybe it’s a simple message of gratitude for something they posted; perhaps it’s asking how their business is performing during the current crisis.

It doesn’t have to be much – it only has to be genuine. Only you will know if your intentions are pure.

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

–John F. Kennedy

JFK said it well, and the same message applies to networking.

Ask not what your connections can do for you; ask what you can do for your connections.

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by Nathan Coumbe

You might be the smartest person in the room…

You might be the smartest person in the room, but that probably doesn’t matter.

Being the most trusted person in a room, the one everyone believes they can rely on – being that kind of person will benefit you much more.

Being the smartest person in the room really doesn’t matter if no one likes or trusts you; if the relationship is bad, no one will listen to all the wonderful ideas and vast stores of knowledge inside you.

Work on your integrity and your relationships first, then work on increasing your knowledge.

Become the most socially/emotionally intelligent person in the room.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Paradigm shift

We would all like to believe that we are objective and see things as they really are.

We would all be lying if we actually believe we view things as they really are.

Stephen Covey wrote, “the way we see the problem is the problem.” One of his teachings was that we do not see the world as it is, but as we are. When something happens that causes us to see something in a new light, it’s called a paradigm shift.

I had one this morning:

I was driving to work and angry. I had been angry since the previous evening. Things had happened that were unplanned and unexpected, and I had hit my limit. I was at a point where I was essentially forcing my point of view on another person.

Then while I was driving, I used that wonderful human power of self-awareness to look at myself and my actions as if from an outsider’s perspective. I realized that, while I felt I was right and justified in how I was feeling and behaving, I was communicating to someone very close to me that I loved them conditionally.

I never said it, but my behaviors and actions were conveying a message:

“I will love you if you do things my way.”

That realization bowled me over: love is never supposed to be conditional. Once I had made the realization that I was unintentionally communicating this feeling, my whole frame of mind changed. I started to see the problem differently. I immediately apologized and let this person know that my love for them came without strings.

But words alone are not enough; anyone can say what I said. I had to go a step further and make it true.

I wasn’t just saying that would love unconditionally: I actually had to change myself and my feelings on the issue at hand. I had to genuinely accept that I was okay with a certain decision being made, even if I thought it was the wrong one.

That view, that I thought it was the wrong decision, was the problem itself. I realized that it was a decision, not a wrong decision; it was being made from a different point of view than my own. I had to genuinely accept the possibility of an outcome that I didn’t like because my relationship with another person was more important to me than getting my way.

This is one of the secrets to good living: look at the problem you are experiencing as if you were a stranger coming upon the scene. Imagine yourself as a third person looking in at an interaction between yourself and another.

To paraphrase Dr. Covey: how you see the problem is the problem.

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by Nathan Coumbe

The long-term

Cultural norms drive us to seek obvious, visual achievement in the short-term: we are encouraged to show off and look successful. But looks can be deceiving; it doesn’t mean that what is being done is right simply because it is a cultural norm.

It requires bravery and discipline to focus on the long-term at the expense of obvious results in the short-term. You cannot focus on what you want now at the expense of what you want, and probably need, later on.

If you have money in investments, it doesn’t make much sense to pull out more money than you are making in interest to buy something that you want now. You are invading the principle of the investment; this, in turn, lowers the amount of interest that can be made on what is left.

We violate this principle all the time:

  • Someone wants a new car, computer, or toy, so they borrow money to do it.
  • A parent wants her child to behave and cooperate now, so she uses her authority, power, and fear to metaphorically bludgeon the child into compliance.
  • A leader wants results this quarter, so she drives her people to exhaustion and frustration to hit the numbers now.

What are the results of these decisions?

  • Loss of control over income; massive amounts of interest paid
  • Fear and resentment of the parent by the child
  • Burnout, turnover, and loss of results over the following years

How might things have been different if one chose to live on less than one made? That money could have been saved up or invested to grow.

The parent could have used the troubled moment with the child as a time for understanding and teaching. Think of the relationship that would grow out of thousands of moments like this.

The boss could have attempted to look further out at what she really wanted from her company overall, not just right now. And she could have sought to understand her people better. She would increase loyalty and effectiveness: her people would naturally want to work harder and achieve the results for her because they believe she cares.

None of these responses have obvious, visual results in the moment, but their long-term results are exponentially greater.

It might feel weird to stand out from the pack, doing something that has no obvious short-term return.

That doesn’t mean you are wrong.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Cats and proactivity

I have a cat. His name is Jack. Captain Jack Sparrow, if you want the full name.

Jack is the most annoying cat in the world.

If you go into a different room, he will sit outside the door and scream at you. “MerEYOWWWWWWwwwwwwwwww” or something like that. Over and over again until you return to the room in which he is sitting or you let him inside with you.

He beats up his sisters without mercy.

He went through a phase at 3 years old where he peed on the floor in front of our couch if my wife didn’t come home by a certain hour.

He scratches the paint off doors; eats expensive cables like they are spaghetti noodles; chews up the beater on my bass drum pedal; and just this morning, we discovered he had destroyed a set of blinds.

He also loves my wife unconditionally and makes her very happy.

For the first few years we had Jack, I would get visibly angry with him when he misbehaved. He knew it, too, and he never liked me as much as my wife.

However, since I started my deep dive into being a more effective and proactive individual, however, I have noticed a change.

I came to the conclusion that while what he did was very frustrating, I was choosing to react in a very negative manner which upset me and made him unappy with me. I was choosing to yell, to stamp my feet in anger, to curse the day we adopted him. What good did it do?

When I implemented “be proactive” into my life, I began with Jack. I lived by the idea that there is a space between stimulus and response where I could choose how I would react.

Now, when Jack misbehaves, I put him in time out – not with anger or scare tactics, but by simply picking him up and putting him into his room.

I feel better, Jack feels better. Now, he crawls up and falls asleep on my chest when I’m trying to take a nap on the couch, purring all the while.

Here’s my point:

You get to decide how a certain stimulus affects you. You cannot choose the consequence of the stimulus; I could not choose whether or not the blinds got broken when Jack climbed behind them. That was a natural consequence. But there are also natural consequences to my response:

  • I did not begin my day with negative emotions and stress.
  • My wife does not begin her day with negative emotions and stress, and our relationship is improved.
  • Jack knows that he misbehaved, but he also won’t run away from me when I return later today. He will instead greet me at the door with screeching and purring.

Something else you should know – since I began reacting better to Jack’s antics, his behavior has changed. He is less destructive, less abusive to his sisters, and less whiny.

Or perhaps, I just don’t notice it as much because of how I choose to respond.

If being proactive works with cats, how well do you think it will work with your human relationships?