It is pursued and obtained indirectly by doing things—consistently, deliberately, and long-term—that may not always be physically enjoyable in the moment but inevitably result in a feeling of happiness.
Instead of trying to will happiness into existence, focus on the conditions that bring about happiness—sound mind, healthy body, meaningful work, deep relationships—and perhaps it will emerge. —Clay Skipper
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The Stoics have a practice known as memento mori. It translates (loosely) to “remember you will die.”
I’ve thought of death just about every day that I can remember since I began to understand it as the ultimate destination of life.
But it became more real to me when I fell in love and got married. Because I realized a bittersweet truth:
I signed up for devastating grief.
My marriage was, eventually, going to end in death, either my own or my wife’s.***
And that’s a sobering thought. But it also serves as a constant reminder of just how wonderful love is. You can’t have one without the other.
All love, eventually, ends in sadness.
Teenagers break up. Adults get married, then someone dies… Or leaves. Family members lose each other slowly… Or sometimes all at once.
Ultimately, love ends because life ends.
But maybe that’s why it’s such a powerful element. Because we willingly dive headfirst into it knowing that it will end in the most painful way possible. One way or another.
I never really voiced this thought out loud until I came across this quote from Nick Cave:
“It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable.”
And it’s totally worth it.
***For those of you who say, “But your marriage could also end in divorce!”, you clearly don’t know Theresa or me. 🤣
Two quotes came to mind while I was walking and thinking this morning:
“It’s easier to love what you do than it is to do what you love.”
—Seth Godin
Then, of course, my brain went to Dan Miller:
“Passion is more developed than discovered.”
—Dan Miller
Happiness is easier to achieve when we enjoy what we do.
But it’s not always easy to create an income doing something we already enjoy.
It’s easier to find a reason to like what you’re already making a living doing than to try to create a business around a passion or hobby.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try—I’ve done it with lots of my passions.
Music…
History…
Personal development…
Philosophy…
But in nearly every case, depending on that passion to pay the bills robbed me of the very same enjoyment that drew me to it in the first place.
If you’re doing work that’s mind-numbing, agonizing, and completely without joy or merit, please find something else to do. This bundle will help you in your search.
But for many of us, we’re just spinning our wheels, trying to find ways to monetize a hobby. We’re telling ourselves we’ll never be happy until we’re working in this passion or that one.
If you think you can, try to find enjoyment in what you’re already doing. That’s one of the tenets of Zen, and it’s also a path to true happiness and contentment.
If you’ve read this and still feel it’s time to make a change in your career, I highly recommend you check out this career search bundle my coach Dan Miller created. It has everything you need to:
If it’s time for a change, Dan Miller can help you make it.
Feeling unhappy? I can probably guess why…
You don’t have a project to work on.
“Prod any happy person, and you will find a project.“
—Richard Layard, economist
I don’t mean a project at work: one of those mindnumbing, agonizing, tedious, pointless tasks you’ve been given by your boss just to look busy.
I’m talking about something that matters: a project that makes you happy. A project that makes a difference. A project that changes someone else for the better.
Seth Godin would call that kind of project “art.” And it doesn’t have to be a painting, song, or movie. It just has to matter to you.
And it helps if it makes the world a better place.
A quick way to find real happiness? Start working on a project.
(If you want to learn more about this argument, check out Layard’s book Happiness: Lessons from a New Science)
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When you think about it for any length of time at all, it’s utter nonsense.
“Thank you,” says your customer.
“You’re welcome,” you reply.
You’re welcome….to what? You’re welcome to ask for help again in the future? You’re welcome to more of the same?
Why aren’t people shouting, “What am I welcome to?!”
There are so many options available to us other than an automatic “You’re welcome.” The phrase is automatic and useless. I’ve always wondered why we use it.
We can say, “It was my pleasure,” implying that you genuinely enjoyed helping them. Chick-fil-A’s employees are getting it right. (And yes, I realize it’s engrained in them and automatic, much like “You’re welcome.” It may not actually be their pleasure to help me. That’s a subject for a different post.)
Or my favorite: “I’m happy to help.” When I say it, I genuinely mean it. And by saying it, I actually feel happy that I helped that person.
It’s time to do away with this nonsensical phrase and replace it with something genuine and meaningful.
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I asked myself this question a few days ago and elaborated on it in my journal. Specifically, I was asking myself, “How much money do I need to make to feel like I am making enough?”
Honestly, making more money right now would not bring me any more happiness. It’s not money that my conscience is crying out to gain: it is meaning, purpose, the ability to use my God-given talents and strengths to serve and help other people.
The income I make now is actually more than enough to satisfy my needs at this moment. So why am I not doing something that fills my cup?
Have you ever asked yourself what enough is? If you made $40,000 a year, could you live on that if it meant you were doing something you cared about so much and so thoroughly enjoyed you couldn’t dream of doing anything else?
My answer is yes. Yours may be different. At a certain point, making more money is just making more money. Studies tend to cap the increase in happiness that comes from money at about $75,000.
So what goal, idea, or passion is the quest for more money preventing you from pursuing?
Are you, perhaps, an artist who wants to paint? A musician who wants to play and teach? Or are you, like me, a teacher who simply wants to teach?
Ask yourself this question: could you, honestly, make a living knowing the starting or average income that job in your head receives? Could you survive, or even thrive, if it meant you were doing what you felt passionately called to do?
The irony is most of the time when you quit pursuing money and start pursuing passion in the service of others, more money than you imagined comes into your life.
How much is enough? Could you make it doing what you love?
You must define it.
What is it that you value? What principles do you want to guide your life?
Love? Kindness? Generosity? Education? Career?
What kind of person to you want to be?
Curious? Successful? Entrepreneurial? Intelligent? Understanding?
What do you want to do?
Write a book? Go skydiving? Play at Carnegie Hall?
What do you want to have?
A five-bedroom home? Two children? A golden retriever? A BMW?
What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?
Until you start defining your vision for your future, you cannot truly determine what your path to success will be.
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