“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
—Aristotle
We have the ability to see and understand each others’ points of view, even if we disagree with them.
But until we actually begin to practice this—to entertain their thoughts—we will be unable to influence anyone.
Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, “That’s not the right way to do that…”
Maybe you were watching someone do an exercise at the gym. And you just couldn’t figure out why their pushup form was so different from yours.
Your first thought probably goes to their ignorance: “They just don’t know the right way to do it. I could show them how…”
The thing is… You have your own lens through which you look at the world. You have your own experiences, education, and biases that dictate the “right” and “wrong” way for you.
And they have theirs too.
Even when it comes to something as simple as a pushup. And even when there might be an objectively “right” way to do something.
But there might be a specific reason they’re doing their pushups in that way.
Maybe they have an injury that prevents them from using “proper” form.
Or maybe they read a new study that taught a different way of doing it—one that helps them meet a different need.
Or maybe it really is simply ignorance of what’s right.
But the fact remains, you don’t know why they’re doing it.
Perhaps a better thing to do, instead of jumping to conclusions about right and wrong, would be to change the statement to a question.
“I wonder why they’re doing it that way?”
At that point, you have the basis for empathy and understanding.
And those qualities give you a much more stable platform to engage in dialogue… Or even enact change.
If you’re like most people in the United States, you’ve taken at least one personality assessment at some point in your life.
DiSC. Myers-Briggs. StrengthsFinder. Enneagram. There are too many to name, but I’ll bet you’ve taken at least one.
On the DiSC profile, I’m a CSI, with an extremely high C. That means I tend to be:
And I can attest that all of those things are 100% true about me.
But because I’m so rigid, I tend to take everything that I learn as a rule that can’t be broken.
For example, when I get “career results” back about what I’m ideally suited for, I instantly assume those are the only jobs I can do. It’s how my personality works.
So when the field of marketing was nowhere to be seen in my “ideal” careers, I immediately wrote it off as something not worth looking into.
Even though I was fascinated by marketing…
Even though I wanted to learn how to do it ethically, with a service-oriented style…
Even though I could use it to help make the world a better place. To help other people start and grow successful businesses…
But I couldn’t! Because a personality test told me so.
Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?
Personality tests are great for:
But they do not define who you are or what you can do.
If anything, they help you learn how you would do certain things.
So now, years later, I’m involved in marketing—doing it and teaching it to others on a regular basis. And I do it in an analytical, detail-oriented, service-to-others way.
Remember that personality tests are tools, nothing more. One of my mentors, Ashley Logsdon, put it this way:
“Never make the profile bigger than the person.”
They aren’t supposed to define what you do, but HOW you do them.
This is just one of the many conversations going on in the 48 Days Eagles Entrepreneur group during our Monday Mentor Calls.
If you want to get into the right network to help you level up your relationships and career, join us now!
Click this link to see what all you get when you become 48 Days Eagle.
2020 sucks. That doesn’t need to be said anymore. But a post from a gentleman whom I follow on LinkedIn made me rather introspective this morning. Here was my response to his post.
2020 showed me that life was more uncertain and fragile than I’d ever realized. I lost two of my closest relatives. My family suffered unimaginable heartache.
I discovered I’d been living life out of fear, looking at everything through a lens of safety. So I started asking myself, “if I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with what I’ve accomplished? Would I be okay with how I left things for my wife and family?”
With that mindset, I’ve approached my days differently, dancing with fear and taking action in the face of it. Making definite choices rather than hesitating or hedging my bets.
In short, I’m bolder.
As I’ve learned from Zig Ziglar, if I fail I learn. If I learn, I grow. If I grow, I succeed.
What about you? What has 2020 shown you? Comment below.
P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe!
Years ago, the Toyota Motor Company created a system called “The 5 Whys.” It is a problem-solving technique that helps drill down to the root cause of an issue–in their case, manufacturing problems.
It’s also an excellent personal technique to help you figure out why you are doing, or attempting to do, just about anything.
Why do you want to lost weight? This is now an almost universal goal. If your answer is to look good at the beach or to feel better, you’re probably going to start binging the first time you see a pack of Oreos at the supermarket.
Why? The motivation from those bland, generic reasons are extrinsic (outside of yourself and your reasons for being) and, well…bland and generic. They have no real meaning to you. So try the “5 Whys.”
Why do you want to lose weight?
“So I’ll be strong and fit.”
Why does that matter?
“When I am strong and fit, I’ll be able to accomplish more with my body.”
Okay, and?
“When I can do more, I won’t tire out and break down like I currently am on a regular basis.”
Okay, why does that matter?
“When I am more resilient, I’ll be able to serve others better and longer: I will be able to go up and down stairs without passing out, or help my friend declutter her garage without hurting myself.”
And why is that important?
“Because I feel like service to others is one of the main reasons I’m here…”
Wow! Just like that you now have a deep, intrinsic purpose for losing weight and getting strong. You don’t only want to look good at the beach: you want to serve others at a higher capacity because it’s one of your values.
Now, when you see those Oreos or feel like skipping your daily movement session, you’ll remember that you are striving to serve others.
Your motivation doesn’t have to be service to others, of course. This is highly personal to each of us.
Think of a goal you want to achieve in some area of your life: physical, financial, family, career, personal development, social, or spiritual. When you have a goal, start asking why it matters. Drill down until you either determine that the thing you want is hollow and meaningless or you find the real motivation to accomplish it.
Find the real reasons for what you want in life. You might surprise yourself.
*Note: I first learned about this while being coached by the folks over at Precision Nutrition. I want to thank them for giving me something I can now spread to others.
You are having an argument with your spouse, and she doesn’t understand your point of view, no matter how much you push it.
Your children won’t do anything that you ask them to do. They won’t engage or communicate with you; they shut down every time you try to talk to them.
You are writing blogs and posts, but no one is reading or responding to them.
You’ve created a product that will change lives, but no one is buying it.
Naturally, you ask the question:
You feel you are doing everything right. You have the right ideas or the right argument; you know more than your children; this product is truly amazing and has revolutionized the way you see and do things. And yet, no one is listening. No one is engaging. No one is buying.
Why?
Because you aren’t listening to them.
The only way to get others to listen to you, to engage with you, to buy from you, is to listen to them and understand their points of view, their wants, and their needs.
If you bludgeon people over the head with your arguments and ideas, they won’t accept them; they don’t have the same ideas, the same noise inside their heads. They are telling themselves different stories. The key to being listened to, to making an impact, is to understand those other stories.
You don’t have to agree with them, but you do have to listen to and understand them. When people feel understand, when they feel heard, when they know that you see them and their side of things, they feel more open to hearing what you have to say.
“Seek first to understand, then be understood.”
–Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
No one is listening to you because you aren’t listening to them.
Your spouse won’t listen to your side of the argument because all you are thinking of is your side of the argument.
Your children won’t listen to your advice and guidance – even though you probably do know more and understand more than they do – because they don’t feel like you understand them, how they feel, or the narrative in their heads.
No one is buying your stuff because as awesome as it is, they don’t get how it will benefit them or how it will make them feel once they use it. Why? Because you didn’t take the time to understand what they want or how they want to feel.
To influence someone, you must open yourself to the possibility of being influenced by the other person. This means creating a feeling of understanding in the other person. This is not meant to be manipulative: you must genuinely want to understand the other person. Also, people can tell if you are simply trying to manipulate them rather than understand them.
Listen to what your spouse wants; listen to how your children feel; listen to the needs and frustrations of your customers.
Understanding must always come first; otherwise you’ll fail.
Join the others in creating change the world needs. Subscribe below.
*Some of my posts contain affiliate links, which means I make a small commission on any purchases.
Nathan's Blog 