Category / empathy

by Nathan Coumbe

Good for the hive

There’s a Chinese proverb folks seem to have forgotten:

“What is good for the hive is good for the bee.”

Yet a lot of Americans today seem to be focused on the the bees…

“What’s best for me? I don’t care how it affects anyone else.”

“How can I maximize my short-term pleasure?” (Implied in this is, “And increase my long-term pain?”)

“This new policy is good for me, so what else matters?”

If the bees acted that way, the hive would die. And we’d have no honey. 

But we’d also have no crops. People would starve. We’d lose access to essential medications—even fibers for clothing.

Maximizing individual short-term interests rarely leads to anything good for most people.

It’s because we live in a world of systems. And systems are greater than the sum of their individual parts. They also have 2nd-, 3rd-, and even 4th-order effects. 

Ask yourself, the next time you’re voting, writing a new policy, or drafting a law:

“Is this good for the hive?”

by Nathan Coumbe

The only thing we have in common

There is exactly ONE THING that all human beings have in common with each other:

We are all completely different.

We all see things differently. We’ve all had different experiences, good and bad. We were born physically different. We were raised in different cultures.

And we’d be fools to believe this didn’t affect the decisions we make and the things we want. 

Once we understand that, we can begin to work with each other to actually make things better.

by Nathan Coumbe

Would you sign your name to it?

There’s a great episode of Parks and Recreation where Ron Swanson gets a typewriter. Throughout the episode, he writes multiple open, honest letters to people and organizations whom he disagrees with. 

At the end of the episode, you find out if he’s been signing his name to all these letters. He believes that if you believe in something strongly enough to write about it or say it to someone, you should stand by it.

Openly. Honestly.

The Internet, especially social media, is giving us the ability to do everything and say anything we want anonymously.

We can blog or create YouTube videos under a pseudonym. This can be a great thing for decent people trying to make things better but who are afraid of putting their work out under their real name. 

But instead, this option has been abused by people who just want to vent, criticize, and abuse rather than help, serve, or improve. It’s created a growing group of people who just want to watch the world burn. 

So today, I’m begging you: take a lesson from Ron Swanson. If you wouldn’t sign your name to it, you shouldn’t post it. 

by Nathan Coumbe

Voting for others’ needs

How would you vote differently if you took your wants and desires out of the equation?

What if—instead of voting based on the promises politicians make that make your life better—you considered how those promises would affect others? 

The people who are different from you…

Those that have less than you (or more)…

Would you still believe that those policies were the best for everyone? Or do they just help you?

And do they actually help you? More importantly, do you believe they’ll follow through with them when so many don’t? Most of it’s just rhetoric after all.

Would you demand more, and better, from your elected officials?

Something to consider when the time comes.

by Nathan Coumbe

He called me a “f@#*ing idiot”

I went to get my oil changed the other day at one of those quick-stop places that litter every metropolitan area.

As I pulled up, the gentleman at the computer started talking to me through my window to get my information. 

The man below my car (the one who would be doing the oil change), yelled up…

“Tell the idiot turn his car off!”

Okay… So I did. 

Then I was asked to pop the hood. I pulled the tab, saw the front of my car move a bit and heard a pop. I assumed that I’d popped the hood, and so did the person who’d just collected my information. 

We sat for a few seconds trying to figure out why he couldn’t open it—much too long for the gentleman waiting below. 

He stormed up the stairs, cussing at the top of his lungs, and started banging on my hood. 

That’s when I realized that I might have popped the trunk instead (all the buttons are right next to each other and my trunk doesn’t move when you pop the lock). 

So I hit the correct button. And I was greeted with the longest awkward silence of my life. 

The man looked at me, and through gritted teeth snarled, “You pressed the wrong damn button, didn’t you?”

Well, obviously I had. And he wasn’t happy—and things quickly got out of hand.

That man RAGED AND STORMED all over the garage yelling at the top of his lungs for employees and customers alike to hear.

“I’m so tired of dealing with F@#*ING IDIOTS like this!!!”

“I need these F@#*CKING IDIOTS to learn how to use their damn cars!”

“What the hell is the matter with these a@#holes today?”

He screamed, he kicked tools and tires, he sounded on the verge of murder…

After his tantrum, he stormed back down the stairs, cussing up a storm all the way. 

Now, I’ll admit—I was both angrier than I’d ever been and mortified beyond belief. 

I didn’t tip him (as I always do), but I paid my bill after the service was performed and drove away, fuming and on the verge of starting my own tantrum.

But after I’d been driving for a couple of minutes, a different thought entered my mind:

How bad had his day been to trigger a reaction like that?

What did he have going on in his life that made him HURT like that?

Because I realized (from plenty of past experience) that the only times people act that way are when they’re feeling some unbearable pain inside. 

I realized very quickly that it had absolutely NOTHING to do with me (or at least very little).

As Zig Ziglar would say, “Someone had been kicking his cat. All. Day. Long.”

I think that’s the lesson of this story:

It’s not about you.

Something else (possibly lots of things) happened before I ever showed up. There might have been trouble at home. He might have had an angry boss. Or a jerk for a customer that treated him the same way just a few minutes before I got there. 

When people act out like that, they’re hurting, insecure, scared… And emotional. 

Aren’t we all?

by Nathan Coumbe

Respect must come before respect

You can’t treat children as less than human, then expect them to give you respect in return. 

Just because they aren’t yet adults doesn’t mean they don’t deserve dignity and respect. 

“Children should be seen but not heard…” That was the mantra many adults from my parents’ generation lived by (though, thankfully, not mine).

They have tiny, yet insightful opinions. They possess creativity and vivid imaginations you’d kill to reclaim. 

And their questions are incisive enough to make even the wisest philosophers question their views.

The Golden Rule applies to our kids as well as our peers… 

by Nathan Coumbe

“That’s not the right way to do that…”

Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, “That’s not the right way to do that…”

Maybe you were watching someone do an exercise at the gym. And you just couldn’t figure out why their pushup form was so different from yours.

Your first thought probably goes to their ignorance: “They just don’t know the right way to do it. I could show them how…”

The thing is… You have your own lens through which you look at the world. You have your own experiences, education, and biases that dictate the “right” and “wrong” way for you. 

And they have theirs too. 

Even when it comes to something as simple as a pushup. And even when there might be an objectively “right” way to do something.

But there might be a specific reason they’re doing their pushups in that way. 

Maybe they have an injury that prevents them from using “proper” form.

Or maybe they read a new study that taught a different way of doing it—one that helps them meet a different need.

Or maybe it really is simply ignorance of what’s right. 

But the fact remains, you don’t know why they’re doing it. 

Perhaps a better thing to do, instead of jumping to conclusions about right and wrong, would be to change the statement to a question.

“I wonder why they’re doing it that way?”

At that point, you have the basis for empathy and understanding.

And those qualities give you a much more stable platform to engage in dialogue… Or even enact change.

by Nathan Coumbe

Have mercy on the critics

Julia Cameron writes that every critic she’s ever met was, in reality, a blocked artist who couldn’t bring him- or herself to create art of their own…

So they tear down other people’s work because that’s what’s easier.

I remind you of that to say this: absolutely, let’s hear it for all the amazing and brave creators…

But also have mercy on the critics and encourage them to create something of their own.

(Also, make sure you go through The Artist’s Way at least once in your life… It’s truly life-changing for creators of all sorts).

by Nathan Coumbe

The correct thing? Or the right thing?

Sometimes we have a choice between what is correct and what is right.

What’s “correct” is often bureaucratic or compliant with rules and regulations. Often those same rules and regulations fly in the face of common sense, decency, and the dignity we owe others.

When a customer’s computer catches fire with no fault on their part, obviously due to a manufacturer’s defect, we have a choice. We can do the correct thing: quote the manual and say there’s nothing we can do. Or worse yet, we can say:

“You should have bought the warranty.”

Or we can do the right thing: acknowledge the problem and take responsibility. We can help the person who put her faith in us and our product or service.

Correct or right—it’s a choice.

We must improve our ability to make the proper choice when the time comes.

Don’t forget to subscribe!

by Nathan Coumbe

Why Would You Intentionally Confuse Them?

If your goal is to get someone to buy from you (or trust, believe, understand, or empathize with you), why would you intentionally confuse them?

Why make it harder than necessary to get the information they need to make a decision?

Why use confusing phrases or vague points in an attempt to hide the cost of your product?

Do you think it makes them more likely to take action? Really it will frustrate them, damage any trust that’s already been built, and push them away.

“If you confuse, you lose.”

—Donald Miller

Make things direct and clear, especially prices. Don’t hide the truth because you’re worried about sticker shock or how someone will react.

If you feel the need to hide it, you might need to rethink what you’re doing. That goes for everything you do, not just selling.

Get daily insights delivered directly to your inbox. Subscribe today!