Category / empathy

by Nathan Coumbe

Why would they do this?

There’s a line in Crucial Conversations worth memorizing:

“Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?”

Most of our behaviors aren’t irrational. Some of them are unconscious, but people rarely do things for “bad” reasons.

Everyone sees themselves as the “good guy” in the story. This means they must be doing this action for a rational reason. It’s solving a problem for them. It’s in service to something they value.

And it might be completely and totally awful to a great many other people. But the first step in fixing something is to understand it.

You might not know why right away, but it’s worth sitting with the question. It might help you find the solution to irrationality.

by Nathan Coumbe

Love thy neighbor as thyself

Hillel the Elder was once asked to explain the Bible’s teachings as succinctly as possible.

He stood on one foot and made the following statement:

“Love thy neighbor as thyself—all the rest is commentary.”

This statement keeps going through my mind as I read the news each day. As I see what certain people are doing to others, on camera, in broad daylight.

I just want them to answer a question like: “How would you feel if you were the one being wrongfully arrested by New York police officers while on vacation?”

We are losing our humanity. We are losing our ability to empathize.

I have no positive words of encouragement today—only a reminder to love thy neighbor.

by Nathan Coumbe

Who decides?

The person who experiences the consequences should make the decision.” —James Clear

How different would society be if this were true?

Which wars would be fought if the soldiers who did the fighting made the decision whether or not to fight, rather than the politicians and generals thousands of miles away from the battlefield?

Which social policies would be enacted (or cut) if the decision were up to the people reliant on those policies rather than the lawmakers who have only an academic understanding of what they’re implementing?

The visceral reality of a decision changes when you are the person affected.

by Nathan Coumbe

The secret approach to bootstrapping

You can be an entrepreneur: someone who builds something big, hires lots of people to do the work, and gets a ton of start-up money from investors.

Or you can be a freelancer: a skilled craftsperson who does high-quality work directly for clients.

But there’s a third option: bootstrapping.

To bootstrap a business is to find a group of customers with a problem who are so willing for you to solve it that they will pay you up front to build the business that will solve it for them.

And the secret to bootstrapping that many up-and-coming business people don’t know is that you don’t necessarily have to have the solution to the problem.

You simply have to see the problem, empathize with the people who have it, and trust yourself to know that you can and will figure out a solution that works.1

Why does this approach matter? Because smart, solution-oriented people often get so bogged down in the details of how to solve a problem that they never do the hard work of finding customers with a problem that needs solving.

So, find people who need help first, then figure out how to solve the issue.

(H/t to Seth Godin and the folks over at Purple Space)

  1. Don’t lie to people and tell them you can solve their problem, then take their money and run. That’s not bootstrapping – that’s a con. ↩︎
by Nathan Coumbe

How would you coach them?

Pretend for a moment that you’re a coach and someone approached you with an issue.

How would you help them? What would Coach You tell that other person?

Now, with that same mindset, imagine that you are the client with the same problem. Why would you tell yourself anything different?

Be the same coach for yourself that you would be for others.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Don’t be offended

That’s easy to say when you’re in a group that’s doing most of the offending. 

It’s harder to be someone who must constantly shore up his defenses to take offense without suffering harm. 

Inevitably the latter leads to a reaction against the offenders. Because people want things to change. For their children and the rest of posterity.

“No offense, but…” means someone’s about to be offended.

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by Nathan Coumbe

No vote, no complaint

I overheard a couple of people from an older generation (you know which one) debating about why the country is falling apart. 

Their main argument was that Gen X and Millennials aren’t turning out to vote. 

They summed up their argument by saying, “if they don’t vote, they don’t have anything to complain about.”

That’s patently untrue. 

When the choices suck, you get to complain. 

When you feel like your vote doesn’t matter, you get to complain. 

When the system is so skewed toward extremism that no reasonable people get a say, you get to complain. 

When you have to publicly declare your allegiance to a roomful of strangers before receiving your “secret” ballot, you get to complain.

There are serious, systemic issues as to why people don’t turn out to vote. 

That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t vote. But it’s completely understandable why they don’t.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Do you do what you THINK you do?

If you’re a business owner or freelancer, what problem would you say you solve for your customers? (Hint: it’s probably not the same as what they think.)

If you’re an employee, do you know what problem your company was created to solve? What its original purpose was? Do you know why customers hire your employer?

Odds are, what you think you do and the reason your customers actually buy from you are quite different. 

But if you want to increase your levels of success and sales, you have to align those two things.

Whether you’re starting a business or building a musical group, there are two marketing questions you must ask first: 

  • Who’s it for? 

And

  • What’s it for?

And if you work with others, you must also ensure they know the answers to these questions. If they don’t know, they won’t care, nor can they truly help you succeed.

“No involvement, no commitment.”

—Stephen R. Covey

In fact, it’s a good idea to solicit answers to these questions from your people. You might get closer to the truth of what it is you’re trying to do.

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by Nathan Coumbe

A solution to the homeless problem

I live in the Deep South—the “Bible Belt” as some call it. 

One of our quirks? We’re surrounded by churches. 

By most estimates, there are more than 9,100 in this state. That’s one church for every 330 Mississippians.

Many of them are huge. But what I’ve never understood is why they’re so big for seemingly no reason. 

They take up massive tracts of land. The enormous buildings themselves cost a fortune to light, heat, and cool. 

And 6 days a week, they sit almost entirely empty. 

Why not take a leaf out of the “Good Book” and use them for the public good when a service isn’t happening?

What if they became a shelter for the homeless? From the sweltering heat (we hit 104º a couple of weeks ago), pollution, and the elements?

What if they were a place to shower and eat? A staging ground for launching a job search?

My research has shown that some churches throughout the country already do this, but not many here in Mississippi. 

I’m no theologian, but I feel Jesus would approve.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Would you sign your name to it?

There’s an old saying among lawyers:

“If a man is willing to say it, he ought to be willing to put it on paper and sign his name beside it.”

There’s a great episode of “Parks and Recreation” where Ron Swanson gets a typewriter. He then proceeds to type letters to countless people with whom he takes issue. 

And he signs his name at the bottom. Even better, when they confront him (in person), he stands by what he said in his letter.

Social media has given us anonymity and the seeming ability to comment (often cruelly and brutally) without fear of consequences. We say things we’d never have the courage to say to a person’s face. 

So, the next time you plan on being an asshole in semi-public, ask yourself:

Would you sign your name to it? Would you be like Ron Swanson?