Tag / love

by Nathan Coumbe

Love ends because life ends

The Stoics have a practice known as memento mori. It translates (loosely) to “remember you will die.”

I’ve thought of death just about every day that I can remember since I began to understand it as the ultimate destination of life. 

But it became more real to me when I fell in love and got married. Because I realized a bittersweet truth: 

I signed up for devastating grief. 

My marriage was, eventually, going to end in death, either my own or my wife’s.***

And that’s a sobering thought. But it also serves as a constant reminder of just how wonderful love is. You can’t have one without the other. 

All love, eventually, ends in sadness. 

Teenagers break up. Adults get married, then someone dies… Or leaves. Family members lose each other slowly… Or sometimes all at once.

Ultimately, love ends because life ends. 

But maybe that’s why it’s such a powerful element. Because we willingly dive headfirst into it knowing that it will end in the most painful way possible. One way or another. 

I never really voiced this thought out loud until I came across this quote from Nick Cave:

“It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable.”

And it’s totally worth it.

***For those of you who say, “But your marriage could also end in divorce!”, you clearly don’t know Theresa or me. 🤣

by Nathan Coumbe

Which emotions are you feeding?

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

—Jack Layton

Feelings becomes actions.

We cannot always control our emotions, but we can control our actions by choosing which feelings and emotions we feed.

We always have a choice.

Never miss an update. Subscribe below!

by Nathan Coumbe

Paradigm shift

We would all like to believe that we are objective and see things as they really are.

We would all be lying if we actually believe we view things as they really are.

Stephen Covey wrote, “the way we see the problem is the problem.” One of his teachings was that we do not see the world as it is, but as we are. When something happens that causes us to see something in a new light, it’s called a paradigm shift.

I had one this morning:

I was driving to work and angry. I had been angry since the previous evening. Things had happened that were unplanned and unexpected, and I had hit my limit. I was at a point where I was essentially forcing my point of view on another person.

Then while I was driving, I used that wonderful human power of self-awareness to look at myself and my actions as if from an outsider’s perspective. I realized that, while I felt I was right and justified in how I was feeling and behaving, I was communicating to someone very close to me that I loved them conditionally.

I never said it, but my behaviors and actions were conveying a message:

“I will love you if you do things my way.”

That realization bowled me over: love is never supposed to be conditional. Once I had made the realization that I was unintentionally communicating this feeling, my whole frame of mind changed. I started to see the problem differently. I immediately apologized and let this person know that my love for them came without strings.

But words alone are not enough; anyone can say what I said. I had to go a step further and make it true.

I wasn’t just saying that would love unconditionally: I actually had to change myself and my feelings on the issue at hand. I had to genuinely accept that I was okay with a certain decision being made, even if I thought it was the wrong one.

That view, that I thought it was the wrong decision, was the problem itself. I realized that it was a decision, not a wrong decision; it was being made from a different point of view than my own. I had to genuinely accept the possibility of an outcome that I didn’t like because my relationship with another person was more important to me than getting my way.

This is one of the secrets to good living: look at the problem you are experiencing as if you were a stranger coming upon the scene. Imagine yourself as a third person looking in at an interaction between yourself and another.

To paraphrase Dr. Covey: how you see the problem is the problem.

Join 904 other subscribers

*Some posts contain affiliate links, which means I make a small commission on purchases.

by Nathan Coumbe

Don’t wait to have – be!

There is a tendency to see a problem as being outside of oneself. The problem is “over there” or “with that person.” Sadly, there is nothing you can do about “that over there” or your idiot coworker Bob.

If you start to think the problem is ‘out there,’ stop yourself. That thought is the problem.” – Stephen R. Covey

If you wait to have enough time to exercise, you’ll never have it.

If you wait to have a more loving and understanding spouse, he never will be.

If you wait to have an advanced degree before you start trying to teach other people, you will likely fail to ever start teaching.

Instead of waiting to have something that will miraculously fix your problem, be the person who already has it.

If you want to have time to exercise, be the person who blocks out ten minutes three times a week to do a quick strength training session.

If you want a more loving and understanding spouse, be the kind of spouse who loves unconditionally, who listens to understand rather than to respond, criticize, or persuade to your way of thinking.

If you want to teach, be a teacher. Whatever you are currently learning, whether from a book, an online course, or a college curriculum, teach it to someone else. Write a blog post about it; have a conversation with a friend and try to explain the concept to her in a way that makes sense.

If you want to have marketing skills, be a person who spreads the word about something she cares about, someone who gets others involved.

The only way anything will ever change is if we, ourselves, grow. Be the change you want to see in the world, and the change will happen.

Don’t miss a thing! Subscribe below to receive updates as soon as they post.

Join 904 other subscribers
by Nathan Coumbe

New toys

There is nothing quite like coming home and opening new toys. Even when you’re almost 30.

My new practice and teaching kit arrived today, and I could not be more thrilled.

by Nathan Coumbe

It pays to have a partner

Sometimes the best thing you can do in life is to find someone to walk through it with you.

If you’re lucky (or a really good judge of character), that person will support you, believe in you, push you to greater heights, and love you unconditionally.

I hope you find that person. You deserve it.