Tag / decisions

by Nathan Coumbe

Paradigm shift

We would all like to believe that we are objective and see things as they really are.

We would all be lying if we actually believe we view things as they really are.

Stephen Covey wrote, “the way we see the problem is the problem.” One of his teachings was that we do not see the world as it is, but as we are. When something happens that causes us to see something in a new light, it’s called a paradigm shift.

I had one this morning:

I was driving to work and angry. I had been angry since the previous evening. Things had happened that were unplanned and unexpected, and I had hit my limit. I was at a point where I was essentially forcing my point of view on another person.

Then while I was driving, I used that wonderful human power of self-awareness to look at myself and my actions as if from an outsider’s perspective. I realized that, while I felt I was right and justified in how I was feeling and behaving, I was communicating to someone very close to me that I loved them conditionally.

I never said it, but my behaviors and actions were conveying a message:

“I will love you if you do things my way.”

That realization bowled me over: love is never supposed to be conditional. Once I had made the realization that I was unintentionally communicating this feeling, my whole frame of mind changed. I started to see the problem differently. I immediately apologized and let this person know that my love for them came without strings.

But words alone are not enough; anyone can say what I said. I had to go a step further and make it true.

I wasn’t just saying that would love unconditionally: I actually had to change myself and my feelings on the issue at hand. I had to genuinely accept that I was okay with a certain decision being made, even if I thought it was the wrong one.

That view, that I thought it was the wrong decision, was the problem itself. I realized that it was a decision, not a wrong decision; it was being made from a different point of view than my own. I had to genuinely accept the possibility of an outcome that I didn’t like because my relationship with another person was more important to me than getting my way.

This is one of the secrets to good living: look at the problem you are experiencing as if you were a stranger coming upon the scene. Imagine yourself as a third person looking in at an interaction between yourself and another.

To paraphrase Dr. Covey: how you see the problem is the problem.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Predictable, predetermined choices

I had a moment of clarity today when I was re-reading a definition of proactive behavior.

“[Proactive behavior means] to choose your responses to various conditions rather than react in predictable or predetermined ways.”

This definition stuck out today because I read it right after finishing my lunch, which I had ordered with absolutely no forethought.

How many times have I walked into a restaurant and placed an order without thinking? How many times have I ordered something because that was what I had always gotten?

My choice of what to eat might be predictable – it’s what I always get – but it certainly isn’t predetermined. So this means I am not making a choice between stimulus and response.

Between stimulus and response is our greatest power–the freedom to choose. – Stephen R. Covey

Stimulus: walk into a restaurant for lunch.

Response: order the thing I always get, usually with less than ideal effects on my health.

I have a moment, in between arriving and ordering, where I can make a conscious decision about what to eat. This means I can choose to add value to my body, or I can choose to indulge in something less than ideal.

This is not a discussion of nutrition – it is a discussion of problem-solving. Think of all the decisions you make automatically each day, then pick one and imagine how you can respond between the stimulus and your automatic response.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Reaping excellence

I came across a little maxim yesterday that got my mind going, so I wanted to share.

“Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.”

There is also a quote that pairs nicely with this maxim:

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

– Aristotle

What is it that you repeatedly want to do? If you did it often enough, do you believe you would truly develop excellence in that habit?

Perhaps you should ask a related question: if what you are doing now isn’t something in which you want to develop excellence, what do you repeatedly think about? Once you have an idea in mind, you can then apply it to the maxim.

For example, let’s say that a person is constantly thinking about art, but only thinking, never creating any herself. We’ll start there.

“Sow a thought…” she is constantly thinking about and admiring the artistic work of others.

“Reap an action…” the aspiring artist decides to take drawing lessons and vows to draw a little bit every day, no matter how small it might be.

“Sow an action…” drawing each and everyday becomes second nature.

“Reap a habit…” she no longer even thinks about if she will draw today; the only thought on her mind is what to draw. A habit is developed.

“Sow a habit…” drawing has become second-nature to her now. It’s as habitual as brushing her teeth or eating.

“Reap a character…” she has become, intentionally or not, an artist. It is now who she is, a fundamental feature of her character. She is now one of the people she once admired.

“Sow a character…” you can see the rest. Her destiny is whatever she decides to make it at this point. She has already developed the skills and habits needed to carry her far down the path of artistic success, whatever she decides that looks like for her. Perhaps it is a career in art, or perhaps it is just a wonderfully enjoyable hobby. But it is now who she is.

So, what is it about which you constantly think? How can you turn those thoughts into action, and then practice those actions often enough until habits form and a certain character you want develops?

“We are what we repeatedly do…”

Decide and act on that in which you strive to be excellent.

by Nathan Coumbe

Luck happens

Sometimes, it comes down to sheer luck.

You’re sitting in the right booth, reading the right book, and someone notices.

She comes over and asks what it is that you do; you proceed to tell her how you help people. Eyes light up, connections are made, recommendations are given to you about who else you can help with your craft.

What a lucky meeting!

And yet…if I hadn’t been working so diligently for months on my new endeavors, this lucky encounter never would have occurred. Had I been sitting in the booth watching Netflix, she would have walked right past me.

So yeah, luck happens, but it still pays to prepare and practice your craft so that you are ready when the lucky moments occur.

I’ll take slow, persistent effort sheer luck any day.

by Nathan Coumbe

It’s never too early…

It’s never too early to declare to the world who you are.

If you are writing and want to be a writer, go tell people you are a writer. Put it in your bio; put it in your social media description. The same goes if you play music and want to be a musician, or if you draw and want to be an artist.

“What we believe about ourselves has a way of coming true…”

Jeff Goins, Real Artists Don’t Starve

The narrative that we tell ourselves, if said often enough and with enough emphasis, is more likely to become true. In Jeff Goins’ book, he retells a conversation that he had with author Steven Pressfield. He asked Pressfield, “When does a writer get to call himself a writer?” Pressfield answered, “You are [a writer] when you say you are.”

Tell yourself what you want to be. Then go tell others.

Decide.

Then, if you later find that you no longer want to be what you say you are, decide to be something else.

After that, declare it to the world.

It’s never too early to tell the world who you are.

by Nathan Coumbe

Decisions

Sometimes you agonize over making a decision, only to have that decision taken out of your hands. There may be a sense of relief when it happens, but all too often, that relief turns to regret.

The questions start boiling up: Why did I not jump on the offer when I got the chance? What held me back? Why was I so afraid?

Are you guilty of “paralysis by analysis” when it comes to making life decisions? I most certainly am.

I have lost so many opportunities over the years simply because I waited too long to decide. I sought out advice, weighed the pros and cons, did research…the problem is I never took action when it was time to decide. I was too afraid of failure, of taking the wrong road, of looking back at the possibilities I may have missed because of what I chose.

So I didn’t choose, and that in itself was a choice. It was a choice to have someone else decide for me.

Sometimes the decision is taken out of your hands. You have to learn from the experience. The question is not, “What could I have done differently?”

The question becomes…

What are you going to do now?