Category / relationships

by Nathan Coumbe

Why criticism doesn’t work

Criticism sucks. At times, it’s necessary for growth, but it still sucks.

How did you react the last time someone criticized you? I’m guessing you retreated inward, or perhaps you did the opposite and lashed out to defend your actions.

People don’t like to be wrong, and they like it even less when their wrongdoing is pointed out. Criticism only creates a need in others to justify their actions.

Really, when someone does something wrong, the only useful thing to do for either party involved is to respond proactively. On the lowest level of proactivity, this means living by Jesus’ principle of “turning the other cheek.” Simply choose not to react–easier said than done, I know, but it can be developed with practice like any skill or muscle. At a higher level, this might mean never taking offense to the wrongdoing in the first place. This idea is the epitome of stoicism.

As you go about your day, assume that each person you meet is angry, negative, reactive, and will blame everyone and everything he meets for his circumstances…except himself. If you do this, you’ll soon realize that criticizing or reacting to him does nothing except, perhaps, to make you feel better.

It won’t solve the problem; he won’t learn the lesson you want to pound into him; and the only growth anyone makes will be that of resentment and ill will between each party.

Don’t be a critic; be a model of what you wish others to do. It’s the only way to create the change you seek. Learn how right here.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Leap of faith

Let’s be honest: leaping out into the unknown is terrifying. It is the unknown, after all.

But sometimes, to break the cycle, you just have to jump.

It always helps to have a solid foundation from which to start. Family, friends, finances, hope – they give you that foundation.

Build your relationships. Trust other people. Develop a healthy self-image.

Then jump.

by Nathan Coumbe

Service to others, no matter the times.

Regardless of quarantines, social distancing, and other methods of protecting ourselves physically, we can still find ways to serve others.

Many of us will be mowing our lawns today. How difficult would it be to push the lawnmower over one yard and take care of your neighbor’s?

Perhaps you still have a job, but a friend of yours does not. Order groceries and have them delivered to her door (it’s even more fun if you keep it anonymous).

Cook a casserole for your mother, wrap it up, and leave it on the front porch.

Keep yourself and others safe, but still find ways to contribute to others.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Do good no matter what

We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.

–W. H. Auden

How you feel today doesn’t matter.

What someone else did to upset you doesn’t matter.

We have limited time to do something great and wonderful, and the best way is to serve other people with your unique talents and passion.

What you get out of it doesn’t matter. You are a servant of good. If you get paid for it, that’s a win for you and the other person. But don’t serve in the hopes of a reward: serve to bring out the best the world has to offer.

Do good in the hopes that others will pay it forward. And if they don’t, keep on anyway.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Invest in goodness

“Goodness is the only investment that never fails.”

–Henry David Thoreau

The stock market is reeling; businesses are closing; people are losing jobs. Any decision attached to money comes with a risk.

Being generous, kind, and selfless is not a risky thing to do. Sure, you might get taken advantage of or your acts might not be appreciated, but so what? You will always gain equity and compound interest when you are good and decent to others.

Today, and for the rest of your life, invest in goodness.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Networking is terrible, but there is a better way.

Networking – the idea of surrounding yourself with lots of people who might be able to open doors for you and help you get jobs – is a terrible practice.

It sucks.

The premise is flawed; it goes against every notion and every principle of decency and humanity. To effectively network, it seems one must adopt the mindset of, “What can this person do for me? How can she connect me with the HR department at [insert famous company]? What resources can she offer me so that I can get better (more marketable and attractive to potential employers)?”

Take, take, take, take. It’s a very common practice in Social Networking – some will say, “Use [pick your Social Media poison] to grow as many potentially helpful connections as possible so that maybe one of them can help you get a job at a certain company.”

The selfish focus, the mindset of “me,” is horrid. What is worse: it often backfires and alienates those you are attempting to use for your own selfish gains.

You think these “connections” can’t read right through your message? You’re wrong.

A new way to network

I propose a new way to network – go on your LinkedIn profile and start going down the list of connections. For each one, ask yourself this question: “Can I make a contribution to this person today, and if so, how?”

One important note: this requires a paradigm shift – a genuine change in your way of thinking (here’s a post about paradigms). You cannot adopt this posture while thinking in the back of your mind, “How can I contribute in a way that will get me something later?” You haven’t actually changed anything about the process that way.

If you really want to test this out, find someone in your list of connections who truly cannot “do” anything for you, in the sense of making a connection, giving a recommendation, or helping you get a job. When you find this person, ask yourself what contribution you can make: maybe it’s a simple message of gratitude for something they posted; perhaps it’s asking how their business is performing during the current crisis.

It doesn’t have to be much – it only has to be genuine. Only you will know if your intentions are pure.

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

–John F. Kennedy

JFK said it well, and the same message applies to networking.

Ask not what your connections can do for you; ask what you can do for your connections.

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by Nathan Coumbe

“But why is no one listening to me?”

You are having an argument with your spouse, and she doesn’t understand your point of view, no matter how much you push it.

Your children won’t do anything that you ask them to do. They won’t engage or communicate with you; they shut down every time you try to talk to them.

You are writing blogs and posts, but no one is reading or responding to them.

You’ve created a product that will change lives, but no one is buying it.

Naturally, you ask the question:

“Why is no one listening to me?”

You feel you are doing everything right. You have the right ideas or the right argument; you know more than your children; this product is truly amazing and has revolutionized the way you see and do things. And yet, no one is listening. No one is engaging. No one is buying.

Why?

Because you aren’t listening to them.

The only way to get others to listen to you, to engage with you, to buy from you, is to listen to them and understand their points of view, their wants, and their needs.

If you bludgeon people over the head with your arguments and ideas, they won’t accept them; they don’t have the same ideas, the same noise inside their heads. They are telling themselves different stories. The key to being listened to, to making an impact, is to understand those other stories.

You don’t have to agree with them, but you do have to listen to and understand them. When people feel understand, when they feel heard, when they know that you see them and their side of things, they feel more open to hearing what you have to say.

“Seek first to understand, then be understood.”

–Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

No one is listening to you because you aren’t listening to them.

Your spouse won’t listen to your side of the argument because all you are thinking of is your side of the argument.

Your children won’t listen to your advice and guidance – even though you probably do know more and understand more than they do – because they don’t feel like you understand them, how they feel, or the narrative in their heads.

No one is buying your stuff because as awesome as it is, they don’t get how it will benefit them or how it will make them feel once they use it. Why? Because you didn’t take the time to understand what they want or how they want to feel.

Understand

To influence someone, you must open yourself to the possibility of being influenced by the other person. This means creating a feeling of understanding in the other person. This is not meant to be manipulative: you must genuinely want to understand the other person. Also, people can tell if you are simply trying to manipulate them rather than understand them.

Listen to what your spouse wants; listen to how your children feel; listen to the needs and frustrations of your customers.

Understanding must always come first; otherwise you’ll fail.

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by Nathan Coumbe

You might be the smartest person in the room…

You might be the smartest person in the room, but that probably doesn’t matter.

Being the most trusted person in a room, the one everyone believes they can rely on – being that kind of person will benefit you much more.

Being the smartest person in the room really doesn’t matter if no one likes or trusts you; if the relationship is bad, no one will listen to all the wonderful ideas and vast stores of knowledge inside you.

Work on your integrity and your relationships first, then work on increasing your knowledge.

Become the most socially/emotionally intelligent person in the room.

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by Nathan Coumbe

Paradigm shift

We would all like to believe that we are objective and see things as they really are.

We would all be lying if we actually believe we view things as they really are.

Stephen Covey wrote, “the way we see the problem is the problem.” One of his teachings was that we do not see the world as it is, but as we are. When something happens that causes us to see something in a new light, it’s called a paradigm shift.

I had one this morning:

I was driving to work and angry. I had been angry since the previous evening. Things had happened that were unplanned and unexpected, and I had hit my limit. I was at a point where I was essentially forcing my point of view on another person.

Then while I was driving, I used that wonderful human power of self-awareness to look at myself and my actions as if from an outsider’s perspective. I realized that, while I felt I was right and justified in how I was feeling and behaving, I was communicating to someone very close to me that I loved them conditionally.

I never said it, but my behaviors and actions were conveying a message:

“I will love you if you do things my way.”

That realization bowled me over: love is never supposed to be conditional. Once I had made the realization that I was unintentionally communicating this feeling, my whole frame of mind changed. I started to see the problem differently. I immediately apologized and let this person know that my love for them came without strings.

But words alone are not enough; anyone can say what I said. I had to go a step further and make it true.

I wasn’t just saying that would love unconditionally: I actually had to change myself and my feelings on the issue at hand. I had to genuinely accept that I was okay with a certain decision being made, even if I thought it was the wrong one.

That view, that I thought it was the wrong decision, was the problem itself. I realized that it was a decision, not a wrong decision; it was being made from a different point of view than my own. I had to genuinely accept the possibility of an outcome that I didn’t like because my relationship with another person was more important to me than getting my way.

This is one of the secrets to good living: look at the problem you are experiencing as if you were a stranger coming upon the scene. Imagine yourself as a third person looking in at an interaction between yourself and another.

To paraphrase Dr. Covey: how you see the problem is the problem.

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*Some posts contain affiliate links, which means I make a small commission on purchases.